A gasket blew. The part of me that wanted to look tough and hold back tears at all cost had checked out. I was exhausted, had a cold, just started my period and the weather was still rainy, cold and windy. It was a disaster. A perfect opportunity for me to practice being with what's current.
School was extra arduous that morning and I hadn't expressed to Nick to the extent of my feelings. Typical, right? Expect people to just know and then take it personal when they can't read your mind. So there I was, pouting and walking a mile back to the car in my sadness while Nick sat in the coffee shop confused as to why I was crying over nothing.
No thoughts were arising anymore, no storyline, just a feeling that winter would never be over with each step. The only positive I knew was that walking and moving my body was going to change something, move energy, discharge. I haven't had the energy lately to make it to the studio so this was to suffice for movement. Plus, despite the weather at least I was outside.
When I finally got to the car, I sat down and took the biggest sigh. I don't even know why I'm sad. But I feel guilty or wrong for it. I teach yoga and meditate, I shouldn't feel this way right?
Wrong. Depression emits a lonely feeling. You forget that others suffer. You forget you're not the only one who has felt this way and the hardest part to work through is that I continuously forgot everything is impermanent. Clouds in the sky passing by. That's been my mantra that serves me currently. It reminds me too that I am not alone under this vast sky, there is something within each of us that connects us. We are not separate in our humanity.
Here's the twist. There is no cure for seasonal depression or any feelings of sadness. Only time and attention. Attention can be a form of kindness towards ourselves. Think about how good it makes you feel to express yourself to someone who gives you their full attention. It's healing to have that space. To be present. Even when it hurts. So what have I been doing?
Walking outside, taking deep breaths, feeling where in my body I feel "heavy" and "thick" and "dark" and then I move breath to that area in my chest. Breath becomes another form of attention. It still hurts and I'm still tired. But I am paying attention and gaining more clarity with each intentional breath.
Each exhale removes residue and confusing energy. Each inhale brings more attention and life/prana. Each moment is an opportunity to learn about myself and what serves me and what doesn't.