Seasonal depression cure

A gasket blew. The part of me that wanted to look tough and hold back tears at all cost had checked out. I was exhausted, had a cold, just started my period and the weather was still rainy, cold and windy. It was a disaster. A perfect opportunity for me to practice being with what's current. 

School was extra arduous that morning and I hadn't expressed to Nick to the extent of my feelings. Typical, right? Expect people to just know and then take it personal when they can't read  your mind. So there I was, pouting and walking a mile back to the car in my sadness while Nick sat in the coffee shop confused as to why I was crying over nothing.
No thoughts were arising anymore, no storyline, just a feeling that winter would never be over with each step. The only positive I knew was that walking and moving my body was going to change something, move energy, discharge. I haven't had the energy lately to make it to the studio so this was to suffice for movement. Plus, despite the weather at least I was outside. 

When I finally got to the car, I sat down and took the biggest sigh. I don't even know why I'm sad. But I feel guilty or wrong for it. I teach yoga and meditate, I shouldn't feel this way right? 

Wrong. Depression emits a lonely feeling. You forget that others suffer. You forget you're not the only one who has felt this way and the hardest part to work through is that I continuously forgot everything is impermanent. Clouds in the sky passing by.  That's been my mantra that serves me currently. It reminds me too that I am not alone under this vast sky, there is something within each of us that connects us. We are not separate in our humanity. 

Here's the twist. There is no cure for seasonal depression or any feelings of sadness. Only time and attention. Attention can be a form of kindness towards ourselves. Think about how good it makes you feel to express yourself to someone who gives you their full attention. It's healing to have that space. To be present. Even when it hurts. So what have I been doing? 

Walking outside, taking deep breaths, feeling where in my body I feel "heavy" and "thick" and "dark" and then I move breath to that area in my chest. Breath becomes another form of attention. It still hurts and I'm still tired. But I am paying attention and gaining more clarity with each intentional breath. 

Each exhale removes residue and confusing energy. Each inhale brings more attention and life/prana. Each moment is an opportunity to learn about myself and what serves me and what doesn't. 




Life- Death- Life Cycle

   Yesterday morning I was drinking my coffee and already feeling a slight unease at when I could see the bottom of the mug. It tasted so good and was going perfect with my book I was reading. Then my mind flipped to the book. Oh no, one day I'll finish it and it will be over. Just like the coffee. 

   I have come to the realization that I do this daily. A good massage, a great date night, a nutritious meal, vacation and even sex all have an ending point that I haven't entirely accepted. There is a transformative cycle in nature that no one can escape. The life-death-life cycle. It is seem in our relationships with others, in our health, in our habits, and even in our morning coffees. Our culture nowadays is hell bent on selling...well selling in general actually but what I was going to say was it is always trying to sell the quick fix. People don't like the idea of sitting with our problems and working them out the hard way. Why journal about my anxieties when I can just light up some weed and forget all about it? Why complain about not being fit when I can just take some diet pill that will make me look like the chick on the pill bottle? Those problems will still be there after you're done chasing the quick fix and then there will be an added hangover possibly. 

 Death must exist in our lives in order for life. Death in our relationships seem to be the hardest to accept for me. There will be death of illusion, expectations, the greed for wanting your coffee to last forever all must die. Relationships grow in phases, the first phase must die to move farther into the next. Passion will die but then is brought back more vibrant than before sometimes. Our desires for nearness and separation will wax and wane. Everything will not be glitter and butterflies everyday with your partner. Real deep love requires sitting with each other when the frail, wounded, scared underside of the other shows. If lovers couldn't handle the natural cycles then they cant love beyond hormonal aspirations. When a fight happens in a relationship, an opportunity to grow closer has appeared. You can work it out together with patience and compassion or you can be angry and judgmental then just forget all about the fight the next day and act like everything is fine. That isn't sustainable though; to put on the fact of everything is always fine and we are always just having fun. It will lead to burn out. There must be challenges and there must be death in relationships for new life to have room. 

   In conclusion, everything must die. But when I become anxious about something ending, I lose time spent in the present moment, I lose energy by grasping and I create suffering. Living is a transformative process that is in no way linear but instead we grow in a crazy spiral that sometimes goes down then up then down really far and the way up. We aren't supposed to know what happens next, what we are supposed to do is stay with ourselves and work on the moment right now.  



My blog today was inspired by the Women Who Run With The Wolves novel. It's composed of archetypal stories that are then related to the women's psyche and interweaved into relationship type stories. I re-read the Skeleton Woman; a short tale all about discovering your fear of the life-death-life cycle in relationships and within your on psyche.