"There is something tender and throbbing about groundlessness. It's a kind of testing, the kind of testing that spiritual warriors need in order to awaken their hearts." -Pema Chodron
I am learning to stay with the shakiness, the trembling pain in the shower, the itchy skin in yoga class, the feeling of hopelessness and wanting revenge on all doctors. To me, staying with those moments has become a path of awakening. The path of the warrior is hard, it's not supposed to be easy. Ever. Even when this completely heals, life won't all of a sudden be easy. I will still come across feelings like disappointment, fear, irritation, embarrassment and those feelings and moments will show me where I am holding back. These moments are our greatest teachers.
On a similar note; I have started a new job recently and am encountering tons of people daily. Not necessarily ideal for my situation, but at this point it's good to do things that scare me. I'm still Lisa and people can choose to see that or TSW. My co-workers for the most part are awesome and inspiring and I enjoy working with them. When someone can sit with me and not try to change me or fix me but instead just accept the situation like I am trying to do every painful moment of my day then it makes it easier for me to stay open hearted. Lately I have noticed how much I want to close up or snap back at people who offer their "help" of what I should do for my skin or how their cousin uses this coffee scrub and it's helped a lot of people with eczema and yaddah yaddah yaddah. It think my skin bothers those people, it's uncomfortable for them to just carry on a conversation that doesn't involve my skin or how they could help. It's uncomfortable to not look at it and feel bad.
I don't want anyone to fix me; not even a doctor. I want loving supportive people in my life who are able to hold space for me to experience this for what it is. Hugs, silence, jokes, back rubs, acceptance, surprise smoothies; things like that are what heals me. Love heals.
Loving myself too. I forget about that the busier I fill my schedule. Baths are a self compassion act for me to be able to sit for 40 minutes repeating loving affirmations and listening to relaxing music; to take time for myself is meaningful and healing.