I'm hoping flares are a good sign. Sign of healing and detoxing; withdrawing. Process of becoming free. That's a good way to put it. Free. That's a good word.
This process has definitely made me feel trapped. My Friday night consists of the usual epsom salt bath, go cook a healthy dinner once the kitchen is free so I don't have to deal with any roommates and then maybe a Netflix movie. I dread going into public, it's awkward and I think the stress makes my skin worse. All I can think about the whole time is this annoying, itchy, burning, oh shit now it's oozing problem. All the awkward trips to the bathroom, constantly looking down and wearing my hair down even when it looks like shit because I would rather people see that than this.
Thank god it happened on a Friday. I have all weekend to rest and heal. I read in one of the many other blogs about TSW withdraw I read that the quicker you can naturally recover from a flare, the closer towards the end of your healing journey you are.
I have come to terms with this flare that slowly set on. I realized it's not always something I ate or did, I forget that I still used steroid cream on and off since the age of 13. I'm still detoxing. My goal is to be MOSTLY cleared by my birthday. That's about 8.5 months away.
I'm currently sitting in my bathroom next to the heater with my laptop on this mini breakfast in bed tray Gio bought at a Dollar General. One of the TSW symptoms is excessive chills and inability to regulate body temperature. My arms are literally oozing so much, there are drops all over my sweatpants. I feel disgusting and hopeless. I don't even want to leave the bathroom, much less my room.
This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But I know that with perseverance, a healthy lifestyle and a POSITIVE ATTITUDE I can go back to being me again.
Here are day to day things I don't like doing or physically can't do anymore because of my skin.
1. Going to yoga classes.
2. Teaching yoga.
3. Getting dressed up; doing my hair, applying make up, wearing anything that shows my arms or chest.
4. Going out at night to bars.
5. Going out to eat.
6. Going inside the gas station to get a water because I don't want to be stared at.
7. Grocery shopping. That's a lot of time for me to be in public having people look at my skin.
8. Running with my dog.
9. Eating pizza, chocolate or enjoying wine.
10. Making plans farther than a couple hours away. Otherwise I never know how my skin will be.
11. Going to the gym.
Once this is all over, I will be SO ENTIRELY FUCKING GRATEFUL to wake up after a good night's sleep and feel healthier, happier and full of energy to do whatever the fuck I want to do that day.