My Mom told me this morning that I had fortitude. Courage in pain or adversity. I don't mean to toot my own horn but that is the perfect word for me today.
I woke up in excruciating pain today when my face and neck were glued to the towel I threw over my pillow. I could tell right away my eyes were swollen when I began to look around for my phone to check the time, it felt like I got one hour of sleep. It's Monday, no sleeping in. Once I saw myself in the mirror I knew right away I had to take a shower to wash off all the dried ooze on my neck, cheeks and arms. I brought a hand towel in the shower to pat the areas that needed it because running water absolutely burns over my skin when it's this raw. But nothing hurts as much as when I have to look up and stretch my neck for the first time every morning and put that wash cloth on it. This morning I immediately started bawling, loud. God, it hurts so so SO fucking bad. Showers suck nowadays. It's just insane to think about all the things I hate doing nowadays that are so simple.
My face is covered in splotches of rash and my left eye and left cheek are extremely swollen. My arms and neck are raw and super sensitive. My energy is so low and all I want to do is sleep but there is no comfortable position I could fall asleep in right now that wouldn't bother my skin.
I know I have said this before but this is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Without the help of the organization ITSAN, I would be completely depressed and lost right now. But thanks to Dr.Rapaport I know there is hope and there is a cure. One of the cures for a lot of things, TIME.
My meditation tonight will be on centered around acceptance and loving myself no matter what.